Reflection

This last month has been a VERY difficult one. I must say though, it didn't feel as hard as I guess it could have. But, nonetheless, it has been a challenge. Muti passed away at the beginning of the month and was buried on Mother's Day. Although, we had been praying for her spirit to be released from her body, it was difficult. We both wished so deeply that we could have been there. It made our financial state surface even more. Knowing we couldn't just fly down to Chile was hard. She was SO much to Z. He misses her so very much, but we are thankful that she no longer is suffering. Also, for the last year now, I have been trying to get help for my health problems that are ever increasingly getting worse. My memory is fading quicker, my body hurts even more, and depression has kicked in high gear. Not having insurance has made treatment impossible. I have been fighting to get help and this month I received another denial letter. It was a kick to the gut. I try every day to be positive. To most people I put on a good show. But to those that know me, really know me, they see what I'm struggling with. Then, to top of the hard, I found out that my very brave, Aunt Liz was losing her battle with stage 4 colon cancer. The amount of guilt that I have felt has been unreal. She lost her battle last week, and her funeral was this last Tuesday. I felt such remorse for not being there for her during this trial. I sent texts, facebook messages, and wrote on her wall, but I didn't call her, because I didn't want to bother her. I didn't visit, because I didn't know if she wanted to see me. And now I'm left with such a hollowness. Why didn't I do more? I wanted to be there!!!!! At her funeral, I talked to her lifeless body, I kept looking at her, desperate to feel that she knew I loved her SO much! I wanted to say good-bye. I tried to see the Aunt Liz I knew, but the cancer had taken that away. She looked so frail, and I wasn't there. I am crying just writing this. I pray she knows now, just how dear to my heart she was. I went with my Mother to the viewing and funeral. Aunt Liz is my Mom's baby sister, they were 14 1/2 years apart in age, my Mom loved her like a daughter, and sister. It broke my heart hearing her say, "All I want to do is rock her in my arms. I just want to hold her!" I haven't seen my Mom that sad since the passing of my brother. It was so hard. We come from a family that doesn't tell each other enough how much we love each other. We have problems like other families, but I know that the love that we have for each other is deeper than anything else. I have learned that I NEED to be more vocal and apparent to my family, and I learned that through the loss of my Aunt. Holding on to resentment, bad feelings, or any negative towards those we call family by choice, or by birth, is not worth it. If something is holding you back from giving love to others, let it go! The Lord atoned for those feelings as well as for sin. Give those negativities to Him and move on. He already paid the price, and it is just up to us to let it go. I challenge you today, to forgive someone you know you should forgive. For ultimately, we will be forgiven the way we forgive others... including ourselves. Which is the last thing I have been struggling with this month. I am working on improving myself and taking care of past mistakes. I have been trying to write an inventory of my past mistakes and sins. I know that sounds kinda weird, but it is helping me really focus on what I have done in my past, and I know this will help me take the atonement for myself, that I may be made "white as snow". I have made a lot of poor choices in my life, but I will tell you this, I won't continue making the choice to hold on to old pains and sins. I forgive everyone that has hurt me, in any degree or capacity, and I release that from my heart. I want to be a person that others will see and know that I have the "Light of Christ" in my eyes. I will take each day at a time, and if that's too much... I'll take one hour at a time... one minute at a time... one moment at a time until I can turn myself around. I KNOW that this month has been so very difficult, BUT... I have had my burdens lightened by trusting in my Savior's care. I know He can do the same for you. Because, we are all children of a LOVING, Heavenly Father.